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101 ways to order a pizza
  1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  3. Order a Big Mac Value Meal.
  4. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
  5. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
  6. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
  7. Stutter on the letter "p."
  8. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
  9. Change your accent every three seconds.
  10. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
  11. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
  12. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
  13. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream good-bye at the top of your lungs.
  14. When they say "What would you like? say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
  15. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
  16. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
  17. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
  18. Order a slice, not a whole pizza. Argue about it.
  19. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
  20. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
  21. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
  22. Say you're calling from the regional office. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
  23. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk.
  24. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
  25. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
  26. Try to talk while drinking something the whole call.
  27. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. You know, like is there a warranty or can you purchase a service contract?
  28. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
  29. Detect the order taker's psychic aura.
  30. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
  31. Put them on hold.
  32. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use code on all subsequent orders.
  33. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
  34. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
  35. Hesitatingly ask them how you can be sure they'll really deliver it?
  36. Tell them to send a driver who can keep his mouth shut about anything he sees or hears.
  37. Start the call by playing a tape recording that says, "If you are a first time user of Microsoft Pizza Order Quick Pro, press one. To begin taking the order, press two. At any time you may return to this menu by pressing star."
  38. At random intervals throughout the order, take the phone away from your mouth and say, "Ohh, yeah, baby, like that," "softer," "harder!," "higher," "down a little bit, yeah, yeah!"
  39. After the order taker tells you the price at the end of the call, pause several seconds, inhale deeply and ask "Do you know how much I admire the works Milan Kundera?"
  40. Tell them the elevator's broke so make sure to have the pizza in a heat retaining bag, cause you're apartmant's on the 88th floor.
  41. If they ask for your telephone number say "Well you seem nice and all, but I'm kinda going out with someone now.
  42. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say inyour best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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